I dont think Ive ever paid more than $200/night in Vegas, often much less even after the resort fees are tacked on. I worry about things constantly. Absolutely. He mad at my company and questions the motives. Hee! Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? I agree that the OP should not even consider not going on the trip. Finally, I can think of far better places to hold business meetings like Atlanta you have to change planes here anyway, so why not?? And he needs to understand that his fears are his to manage, no matter where they are coming from. Im going to second the suggestion of marriage counseling, but I think your husband sounds controlling and unreasonable. She is doing the heavy lifting in supporting the family and yet he wants to control and damage her control. Seriously, I grew up in Las Vegas. Even emphasizing the point, like even they said theyd let their spouses go to Las Vegas. Once I was done baby would go back into his seat until the next time. My mom is convinced that as soon as the sun goes down, everyone is a drunk driver. Just the past 2 weeks Ive taken a 3-day hiking trip, completely alone, and also a trail running workshop weekend with a group of other runners. The veg option at the two meals at the convention center consisted entirely of iceberg lettuce salad). Instead, let yourself feel what youre feeling without judgment orshame. Thats not out of reluctance to let either one out of their sights, but more because when they have the choice to be together, they will be together, and when its unavoidable, they make do as best they can. Just because some of the people in that culture are ok with it doesnt mean its magically not controlling behavior because its culture/religion. I also love Vegas. Maybe he has heightened anxiety. When your income is needed, you can take fewer risks by opting out of stuff at work. I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. I would be surprised if it were anything more than a coincidence, but I think that reading that letter/advice/comments could be beneficial for this OP to see how it would likely be perceived if she did refuse to take the trip at her husbands behest. Maybe so, but I know plenty of people who, as JenB says above, have anxiety and dont express it in toxic and gendered ways that were really talking about two problems. All rights reserved. And the wife discussing it as though its a reasonable position makes me SAD. Get yourself some counseling, with or without your husband (and explore whether or not this is the type of relationship that is healthy for you to continue to be in). He thinks it's going to be too difficult. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. Oh, for sure. He doesnt have to be consciously choosing thesetheyre already out there. Though those are also the traditional bogeymen for women out on their own, as evidenced by the many people talking about their mothers fears. If I genuinely believed he was in danger, this would be insulting beyond words. He does worry about my safety. I understand where youre coming from, but this board sees people from all over the world, and there are still lots of places and lots of religious/cultural environments where patriarchal/masculine control/policing of womens behavior/assuming the worst of women is absolutely the norm, and there are enough of them scattered around everywhere that I dont think its a case of not everyone can have sandwiches.. Furthermore, Vegas ALSO markets itself as a family vacation and business conference destination. Same with mine. Ah, but you have a job, and Im guessing are presumably a more equal breadwinner in your household. Just that it might be (MIGHT) an explanation. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. The tipping point came when he suggested I find my boss a girlfriend you know, so Boss wouldnt be tempted to hit on me. Of course, they can be bothbut then IMHO, that boils down to controlling anyway. Iasked ifI could come. Entertainment loves to show affairs starting in the office, people lying about business trips when they have a whole nother family, etc. OP will just run herself ragged reinforcing his fears. OK! But, at least in that case, she was 100% aware of the power dynamics she signed up for in entering the marriage, unlike our OP. I think the phrasing is awkward, but its in there because he brought this up to his spouse to justify his position, so Im pretty sure he means they all agreed that theyd object to such a trip too. Im so glad I made that choice. A dancer charged a bunch of stuff on my credit card. (sees where incident happened) Or maybe, you bought 10 bottles of Cristal for strippers and then panicked when your accounting department asked for a receipt? seriously. It was very concerning. Ive gone to Vegas for work and my husband just told me to have a good time and made jokes about what kind of stuff I might get up to while I was there because we knew Id mostly be bored and cranky with the work situation. You also cannot learn anything while youre in a state of fear. We always have a good laugh when one of my husbands coworkers asks him, You actually let your wife go away without you? I dont have anything else to add to what everyone else has said except that when youre there, I HIGHLY recommend going to Gordon Ramsays BURGR at the Planet Hollywood Hotel. The way I see it, OP, assuming youre not a serial cheater who constantly engages in risky behaviors when your spouse is not standing over you, your husband is either really insecure about your marriage, or really anxious in general. We of course send the Im here texts and goodnight and such. Marriage counseling is good for me so I know how to commute to her and not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off the on a tangent. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationmobile homes for rent in patterson, la. Im not a fan of Las Vegas (i.e., cigarette smoke, gambling, drinking), but many (perhaps all?) I went for the first time over the summer. He chose, and I repeat chose this lifestyle. Is this the one about the rationalist who refused to pick up broken glass? I do the same. That was one reason I had to STOP watching so much Law N Order / Criminal Minds / CSI / whatever. Thank you so much for your response! But in her mind, as another comment perfectly said, as soon as the sun sets, everyone is a drunk driving, human trafficking, drug kingpin. Marriage should be about love, not control. Its like he thinks Vegas exists in some parallel universe with different logic and laws of physical, and that upon landing in Vegas all of his wifes usual behavioral norms and all concern for her life beyond Vegas will simply evaporate. Hes worried the worst would happen: I cheat, someone spikes my drink, someone kidnaps me He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Im still trying to figure a way out of it, but I wish I hadnt given in to his demands in the first place. So in addition to all his other faults, you then learned that he had asshole friends. But not wholesome. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. And here's what we think . The Rio does have huge rooms! My take is that the uptick is in reporting and discussion, not the behavior itself. I mean, it isnt like he is supporting them. I think Id feel safer there than in my own city, where things can get desolate sometimes. Im so glad to see this response here. Ding ding ding! Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. Couples therapy, NOW, to sort out this huge red flag. A three day annual business trip to any location is not an unreasonable expectation. It comes across as so controlling. I think this is a little parochial, in fact. I lived in that neighborhood for five years, and was perfectly safe. Remember the man who wanted his female co-worker to dress like a Little House on the Prairie extra? Its natural to want to care for your partner. I love New Orleans! LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. If a person hasnt had much of a chance (or desire) to go to different places, your impression of them is far different than the reality. Its actually better that way now for example, its now possible to eat a meal without hearing about keno. Youre the breadwinner? This is truly bizarre and worrying behavior on the husbands part. Some people get really over the top anxious about things like this such that it becomes its own problem, maybe even more of an independent factor than the sexism thing (which kind of compounds it because its a societal trope that reinforces some of what would otherwise seem more out there on the face of it). Maybe there are some things about himself orhis relationship with you that need some work. Agree with the high level of security even on the streets. Also, if the OP is there for work, chances are shell be in meetings all day and then answering emails in her room at night. I agree. Most of them. What happens in counseling is that the controlling spouse learns new language to gaslight and manipulate their partner with, and things get worse instead of better. or is it not? Ive also recently spent a weekend away with a close friend at a lake for a swimming event, and numerous overnight trips to see my family or friends in other parts of the country. How does he handle that? THANK you. If its my wife is going to a business conference.. Boundaries we a serious convo. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. Sometimes there is no choice due to your family circumstances or mutual agreement, but this is not one of them. I also dont think cultural relativity is relevant when OP is clearly uncomfortable with his behaviour. I was admittedly super jealous when Booth got to go to Orlando because Disney World is a lifelong obsession of mine, but I didnt beg him not to go, or tell him that all the other wives I spoke to wouldnt allow it . OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. One day was outside. I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down. I dont think you necessarily need to fear him, but as other commenters have said, there are parts of this that seem dangerous and disturbing from our perspective. Companies have meetings there because the hotels are set up for them, and its incredibly easy. Thank you so much for being the voice of reason here. They might be mad that they're not invited . The husband is acting like a jerk and the OP needs to figure out whether this is something/someone she can live with and whether he is capable of improving. People watching! Lets not give credibility to LWs spouse by arguing the matter of whether its really dangerous, or whether he has reasons to believe she will have an affair. IMO once you start catering to this kind of thing, it does not ever get better. Especially if you think it is an anxiety-stemming thing, instead of a control-stemming thing. Also, they have very little money, so we are . We would stop when we needed gas or a bathroom break but usually wouldn't be stopped for more than 15 min or so. Hyperbole and feigned hysteria are not the same thing. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. Twenty. If he refuses because everyone who goes to Vegas becomes adulterous instantly and HE doesnt want that to happen to HIM then you have a completely different issue from he refuses to let her go at all because He Said So. And when she called home she was mean to me and I noticed she fixed her hair differently and she looked very happy. I have the same problem and have since I was a child. My husband makes every work trip a miserable experience for me and is angry at me for days before and days after. You have a good day and thank you. He could also stand some counselling, Im sure, but you need his buy-in for that. If possible, Id suggest both individual and joint counseling. And then he needs to communicate that to his wife in a way that proves he understands its not his place to restrict her behaviour based on his irrational fears. Everyones mileage will vary of course, but thats the choice I made. Either his friends are also super controlling and/or prone to irrational fears or he totally fabricated the story about asking if other people would let their wives go to Las Vegas for work. I bought a single-serve bottle of wine in the hotel convenience store and enjoyed it in my room. Sounds great. Its like the least romantic version of the old I wore her down until she agreed to go on a date, and now weve been married for 30 years trope. If its an anxiety or OCD issue, there are specific skills that partners and caregivers need to learn to support treatment goals and avoid inadvertently rewarding the problematic thoughts and behaviors. From the OPs subsequent posts, it sounds like they did agree with the husband, and that shes in an area where thats a more common approach. I would imagine thats what happens in Vegas for a great many solo work travelers. Create an account or log in to participate. The first time I visited Scotland (as an undergrad) I was on a school trip and we went to Orkney, in the far north. Milkshakes there are ON POINT. My co-worker (who doesnt drink or gamble) went with their spouse a few months ago for a work conference. Access to prostitutes, drugs, extramarital affairs, and excessive drinking and shenanigans is available pretty much in every town and city. Because setting some reasonable limits is part of that. (Somehow I did survive!). I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. And the Flamingo is fun because its what I imagine the trashy, gaudy old Vegas was like so when Im there I pretend Im like a mobsters wife or something. If youre happier and more successful without him, and what he brings to the table isnt enough anymore, its okay to opt out. I certainly didnt forget that, in case anybodys wondering. And if you go to Roppongi or Kabuki-cho and get wasted at a sketchy bar, then yeah, turns out you have greatly increased the odds that someone will steal your wallet. I dont gamble but I love New Orleans it feels like an adults only carnival. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. I did a similar trip after I had my second but I did it different than everyone else. Its like I encouraged a learned behavior. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. Why would you visit Vegas when you live in NOLA, unless it was for work. Life is too short to be stifled by someone elses insecurities. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. However, I have to stay in London for a couple of days next week, and he encouraged me to go he said he needs to learn to be more independent and self-reliant. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. Or his response could give her more information about what is really on her husbands mind. Its crazy how often this happens. I bet youll have fun. There are times when I feel safer in Vegas than I do my own city. If you bring consoling up, will he go? Hmm Shes probably going to cheat on me in Vegas because thats what people do in VegasWait I cant say that, of course shes going to deny ithmm, what else can I say to convince her to stay Kidnapping! (Anxiety twists everything; try not to fuel the fire.) Also by facing the problem together wife will know what steps he need she to do to get better on this/call him out if he isnt doing it. Im being somewhat sarcastic, but maybe a tiny bit serious: I wonder if the concern about her possibly cheating is some kind of fear that the evening networking event is actually a mandatory orgy? Or hes over-reporting the level of agreement he got? Leave the argument and do that as consistently as you can. Is he OK generally and just bad about work trips? This is very aptly put Anonymous Poster. Something I would like you to keep in the back of your mind: I dont know whether your husband has anxiety or not, I dont know whether he is controlling or not. Not the least of which is that the people involved all made that choice for themselves there was no issues of someone letting or not. She would step into the hallway during the conference and ask what he wanted, and he would say he wanted to make sure she was where she was supposed to be. I didnt have to take many work trips, being a teacher, but I did occasionally go to educational seminars. Your husband also seems really unduly anxious about Las Vegas. It is obvious that anyone who says that has never been here, because there arent even that many people who are obviously Muslims living here. Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. They figure the guys didnt want any young white foreigners getting caught up in some kind of scuffle but still Dont start trouble, you wont get trouble! I lounge by the pool, eat really good food, order wines not available in my area. not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off on a tangent.. My grandmother pays for the trip. No, but I feel like almost every thread, somebody chimes in with an armchair anxiety diagnosis. I had to speak on a panel one afternoon and give a presentation the next morning, but the conference I spoke at was not for my industry so I had no connections or contacts there. Definitely ask him to go to counseling ASAP to work out these issues in your relationship and like Allison said, if he refuses to go it could be very helpful for you to go alone. This was pre cell phone so it meant finding payphones. For the OP, thats the problem here. People cheat in the tiniest of towns. When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. And basic woman code of policing your drink would negate that fear. My own husband went to Vegas for a conference a few years ago. For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. this makes me IRATE. Why he wants to go alone. You can easily avoid all the sinful things to do in Vegas, if you want to. Eating a meal? Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. Omg that sounds so much like my mom. So maybe the husband should only attempt to veto conferences in the Midwest? Not everything is family friendly (I.E. Expect it to hurt, though, and to feel guilty over it. Youve never met them, but that doesnt mean that they dont exist. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. Or is he bad whenever you are off doing anything on your own? My wife has these same kinds of fears during my daily commute, let alone when I travel for business. I would probably choose being single over him. If you dont trust me, and I have not given you reason not to, were done. Jealous? People at our church would say I cant believe your husband lets you do that. My husband would laugh and laugh. Very true, which is why I separated the two as control/abuse; theyre not necessarily part of the same package. Regardless of how we got here, its a problem that we as a couple are facing because of how Im viewing things. Your wife is doing a normal thing and has given no signs she isnt anything but committed to you. If it was possible to take him along I could see that potentially helping if the main issue is wrong information and assumptions. So, OPs husband would be fine if she was going on a business trip to Dullsville or Normalville or even New York City, but because shes going to Vegas, specifically, he has an issue. Itd be easy for the husband to dismiss the wifes concerns as Well SHE wants to cheat. You cannot have a rational discussion with someone who is in an irrational state. Did they make the decision she would be the primary breadwinner or is it something that came out of him losing his job or having a job that doesnt pay as much as hers? Agree that you should go to counseling by yourself if he wont go. 7. I wish you the best. Case in point: my father is terrified of everyone he loves dying and leaving him alone, to the point where I, as a 32 year old, was expected to text him and let him know when I left work, when I got home from work, if I was going out, if I was changing locations, etc. And there does seem to be a fair amount of misbehavior discussed, but I have never seen any of it. Spouses dont LET. He may make it seem like you are choosing your career over your marriage, which of course causes you to feel guilty, but as my good friend said recently youre not choosing your career over him, youre choosing yourself over him. Im trying to take that advice to heart OP, hope you can too! Doyou have any tips onbuilding trust, friendship, and respect with your partners family? I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. And heres what wethink will help. Breadwinner isnt necessarily sole provider. My ex used to pick up stupid little fun jobs part-time while he was going to college, while I was working full time and also going to college. Thats worrying about what other people will do TO me. I asked three people: Me, myself, and I. If you on a long car ride or your baby simply just doesn't like a car seat you obviously aren't going to stop every 5 or 10 min to take baby out and soothe him so you do it in the car as long as someone else is driving. In Vegas, these things are part of the fabric of the city. I agree with Allison though, this is a situation that requires some heavy duty marriage counseling no matter what. Ill be finding myself an apartment when I get back from Vegas. It could be an extreme level of anxiety manifesting as control (I cant measure up/if you go away somewhere glamorous youll realize I suck), especially if hes not otherwise doing anything questionable. The businesspeople in Las Vegas want to make money. Oh, god, me too! The trip should take about 2 and a half hours, but it took about 3 and a half because we had to stop so I could feed my daughter and change her. OP this is the kind of thing Id bring up in therapy what you will do and what you will NOT do. If he was just bummed to be at home alone while shes gone, or something. Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). Look at it again. Actually if you go off the Strip theres quite a few things to see and do around Vegas (also non-gambler here), desert hikes, assorted museums (notably neon art & the mob), and my personal favorite the Pinball Hall of Fame which has 100+ playable pinball machines (old and new). Tell your husband to get a grip, and then yes, get some counseling to get over this anxiety. You could be going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and uh, yes, of course she can go away without me is still the correct answer. Yes, this. My husband has cheerfully seen me off to conferences in Vegas, Austin, Reno, San Diego, Milwaukee, and other cities. Whether its legitimate is pretty much beside the point. I have been to Las Vegas many times over the years on business, including a few times when I was completely on my own without co-workers to hang with. I personally hate Vegas, but I would never question the idea of sending a business trip there because its typically the cheapest place you can gather people from offices all over the continent. Yeah, I was in Vegas just a couple of weeks ago. This is control issues and fear and jealousy and toxic masculinity, not a thing that needs compromising on or a relationship issue. The only time my husband would object to a business trip of this kind is if I had to fund it myself or if it was a conflict to another event on our calendar (wedding or family vacation). He loves listening to me talk about my trips and my hobbies and adventures, and I love hearing him talk about how he spends hours painting toy soldiers. My grandmother pays for the trip. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationlifetime guest pass policy. The other possibility is that hes skewing the hell out of the question somehow to make his stance seem more reasonable, like Would you guys be okay with your spouse taking off to Vegas and drinking and partying all weekend for work? If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue.
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